Outside of Me...


Day 32

My son was around 12 years old, when he made the most profound statement, which has stayed with me, ever since. "Mama, I can go outside and get hit by a car and die; you can't protect me from that." I am getting tears even as I type these words now. Shortly before this conversation, my son and daughter, had moved in with their dad. I often expressed my worries to my son, not because I thought he was in an unsafe environment, my concerns were attached to the 3 hour distance between us.


I worried a lot about my children, once they were no longer living in my home. I mean come on, they lived inside of me for 9 months, almost 10 months for my son. The plan was to raise them for 18 years, instill the values, strengths, and love; they would need; for becoming an adult. I was cheated; my 18 years were cut short, my daughter was 16 and my son was 12 when they moved in with their dad. For the first time ever, I was not my children's custodial parent, and that scared me something terrible; no disrespect to their dad.


My mommy plan started once I received, the pregnancy test results. If it's a girl.... or a boy..., I went on and on, I must've planned up to kindergarten, from the moment my pregnancy was confirmed. There was nothing in those plans that prepared me for my children moving out, prior to turning 18 and living with their dad. I mean why would there be?; We were married at the time. Plans change, I know this very well now. But in that moment, it was quite a struggle for me to make the adjustments.


Our struggles will make us or break us, that's a fact Jack! The day I sent my children to live with their dad, was indeed a "Defining Moment" That day, I was simply re-set; I'm talking ctl-alt-del, y'all! What I couldn't possibly have known at the time, was the pain, and struggle of my situation; would change the course of my life, in the most beautiful way.


See, "Too much is given, much is required," thanks for speaking that into me, mom. My children were able to appreciate me, and realize the depth of my love; once they were no longer in my home. I was able to see the bloom, of strength, integrity, and love, that I seeded into my children; once they were no longer living in my home. God will make ALL things work together for your good, when you love and trust him. FOR REAL!!!


I was about to experience an amazing transformation; from caterpillar into butterfly. The cocoon was slit when my children moved in, with their dad. My wings were being developed, during my time of pain and struggle; while trying to understand my empty home. This transformation period was when I graduated nursing school, on the dean's list. As my wings continued to develop, I was accepted into Graduate School. During my first year of Graduate School, my wings were fully developed. I made the tough decision to drop out of Graduate School and fly into a travel nursing career. California would be my next destination.


My relationship with my son and daughter grew stronger as a result of the distance. Both experienced their own growth and struggles, during that time. As a result, I have two amazing adults that call me mom. "Too much is given, much is definitely required," I spoke these words over my children, often.


I have learned to plan in pencil with flexibility. Knowing in many cases, our plans; are actually the DETOURS! (winks) Trust God, beyond your understanding and watch his plans blow your mind.

When it was all said and done, I realized that my plans were not the final plans; because I omitted factors outside of me.





Thank you Nyesha and Gary for having the courage to live your life!!! Both of you continue to inspire me more than you'll ever know! Take Flight~ Mom/Mama


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